He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
