seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Randomize
