Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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