Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
