Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
๐๐๐ what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
