I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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