I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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