I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
