I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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