I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize