she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
