i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
