Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
