I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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