non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
