and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
