We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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