Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize