Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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