just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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