I met the friendliest cop last night
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
