Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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