i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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