Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
