New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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