wat bout pragnant strippers??
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
God I need to hump something, right now.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
