I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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