I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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