I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You pole danced in your parka.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
