It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize