I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Randomize
