Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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