My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
