ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize