Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You are the jesus of drinking
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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