i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
