I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
