He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
It was confusing and full of hummus
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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