Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
