Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
