Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
