I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize