Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
