I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
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