I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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