Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
