I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
