can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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