is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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