I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
