just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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