my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
