She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
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