careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
