I want to walk on stilts...naked
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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