im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
