My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
