Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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