I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I need to calm my uterus...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize