I am puke
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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