whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
