Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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