I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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