The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
