She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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