One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
