guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
