Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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